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This one's for me [30 Oct 2006|04:21pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | A Mix I have ] Tension rises in my atmosphere... Only wish someone could be here to relax me, yet, I feel I must face this path alone. I have voices telling me which way to go, but they're not my own so I am indubitably unhappy. Only for the fact that I know there is but one small gleam of light in front of me and I know what I want is what's right by me but I cannot get anyone else to believe it or have faith in me or even give me the benefit of the doubt. Fools drown in pools of doubt... You told me to put my faith in God, so I have, now you tell me what I'm doing is wrong. Out of confusion and frustration I have inevitably decided not to care anymore. Be mad, be disappointed, don't speak to me for a week, or leave me lectured comments on myspace and this... Either way you are the adults in Charlie Brown; nothing but an irritating sound. You taught me and guided me far enough but now I've reached a point where I must cut the ropes that bind me. I need to be me, no matter what you hate - what you disagree with - what you think is best for me - No matter how much it kills you to choke on the very words of criticism you so longingly desire to bark at me. I'm SICK of feeling beneath myself, not good enough, inferior, and adolescent to you EVEN AT 20! So, this is finished. I'm not gonna cry another tear over your disagreements in how I dress; what's too little or too much... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I'm going to follow the path I feel is right for ME... I don't live and breathe to make you happy, I LIVE FOR ME... if I stumble and fall I'll get back up and continue on; With God in my heart and the strength of a tiger; I BELIEVE I WILL PREVAIL! And that's what matters. 2 comments|post comment

I made you wait… well the wait is over [04 Jul 2006|11:18pm] [ mood | content ] In a previous entry I had said I'd continue once I got my journal back, well I finally got that opportunity. The first quote is from the previous entry. Here it is: “I intend to make you laugh, may be at a moments notice you’ll wipe a tear from your eye but my biggest intention is to make you FEEL. To show you that handicap is not a negative thing. In spite of the fact that I’m still trying to convince my self it is in fact a blessing…” I know this is a common cliché to want to “touch” people’s lives. Right now the sun is directly aimed at me and the only breeze that is that of cars passing me by. Buses take so long to arrive and when you’re waiting you find yourself looking at your watch every five seconds hoping five minutes has already come to pass. Every distant truck resembles the shape of a bus and your hopes are held high until you find it’s all just an exterminator’s truck cleverly assimilating a public bus. Life is something like this. For those who have any expectations what so ever when you cradle them too high then you become disappointed when it doesn’t follow through the way you planned; this is something like my life. Right now I feel like the inspiration I just had while sitting at my desk is slipping out of my grasp. I brought my notebook to make sure I could continue what I started or if a thought arose I could jot it down before it passed me by. I’m on my way to visit a person who I believe will always “hold a candle to my heart” or however that saying goes; forgive me my mind seems to be as busy as the traffic here, being that its five-forty in the PM. PRAISE JESUS!! I believe we have an actual bus!! It would appear we do… or not. In a flash it flew right past me and I felt… well… rejected. I realized when I called him earlier this week that he still had the ability to awake my inner almost forgotten emotions towards him. As if I were back in high school as that same old horny school girl. “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get… my life is more like a box of active grenades.” I called Jeff on Monday and when I heard it ringing I prayed he wouldn’t answer. What is with this goddamned *forgive me lord* driver, I finally get a bus and he stops and gets out to get himself a drink?!... WHAT THE FUCK?! *It figures my pen is dying, OH the irony* … I stumbled through the message and FORGOT MY TELEPHONE NUMBER what the hell is that about?! And I just couldn’t control my vital signs. But it was like that today. After spending hours trying to get to him I finally did and he was breath-takingly beautiful but it was like running in to an old friend after long years of past. It felt really, really good to be able to look at him as Jeff Fields the human being and very dear friend not Jeff Fields the person I really shouldn’t be falling for because you’re my teacher. I did have feelings for him and in some way I still do, but as I have grown a lot in the past three years I have learned the difference between certain emotions and how to withhold the ones I shouldn’t be having. While he does make me that giggly school girl every time I see him, I really can’t see us being anything but what we already are. And I’m 100% okay with that, I really am. I finally found peace of mind here. I hope to find it in other aspects of my life as well. Thank you for everything Jeff. Really, I couldn’t ask for a better teacher or friend. post comment

Please Come Home, Sanity... Trouble In "Paradise" [13 Jun 2006|08:03pm] [ mood | confused ] It would appear to be troublesome in "paradise", the waves ferociusly rock me and I find it difficult adapting while questioning what has happened to my life. Every piece has gone astray and seperated across the United States; I'll never get it back to where it was before... Time has taken me away from familiarity and my sanity has almost completely abandoned me. Twenty is such a milestone of a number to me but at the same time... it's unlucky. I want to be six again with not a care in the world. But that is not an option on my menu. Still, I feel that change in the wind turning slowly torward me. I've never been so patient... I wait for the Rain to stop... but I don't think it'll ever fully cease. I'm never that lucky. post comment

What I really Love most about writing [06 Jun 2006|10:59pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Fall out boy is always in my head ] I love giving people goosebumps when they're completely taken aback but what I've written and they're so enthralled that they're dying to read more and anticipate my next entry. That's my true intention, not only to make you FEEL but take you over emotionally physically... whatever my work can manage. post comment

Ah, Young Love [25 May 2006|03:37am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | None, Family Guy "The King Is Dead" ] *First Heartbreak* (Not always a waste of time) You learn from your first heartbreak. In a way, you can only truly experience love when you have your first heartbreak. Because when your friends are going through it and you want to offer some helpful advice or calming words you can’t until you’ve been through it. Also, it helps you grow as a person, you learn to better appreciate love. I was sixteen years old when my heart was broken by someone I thought I loved more than myself. As it would turn out I was his rebound girl, which is quite a fantastic feeling, I might add for sarcastic amusement. He felt me up, made out with me, put me on natural high, I gave my first hand job (which apparently didn‘t do too badly - it had seemed), and he dumped me - ripped me off my cloud… all in one day. He wasted no time apparently. But at least he was “man enough” to tell me as soon as he realized instead of prolonging it. That I am thankful for, because I sometimes I think I would’ve hurt a lot more if he hadn’t told me right away. It turned out for the better though, because shortly thereafter he was highly indecisive about whether he wanted to be with me or not. “We‘re just friends…. I still love you… We‘re just friends…. I still love you… We‘re just friends…. I still love you… ” on and on. I haven’t been able to find someone since but I haven’t lost hope, I have a feeling he’s arrival will be soon. *Please god* Now, by now in this story you know of the wonderful tale including a friend name Michelle. Recently I have allowed her back in to my life, and I will admit I’ve still had some reservations but slowly given time I think will be okay, may be not back to “best friends” but a better friendship then we had before. The past week she’s been dealing with “trouble in paradise” (so to speak) with her former boyfriend and now tonight she is truly experiencing love and heartbreak. And I believe she has finally understood my pain: Michelle: and I was a compete bitch everything to our friend ship relationship was my fault.... and I am truly sorry about all the shit I put you through, you were there when I needed you, and I definitely took it for granted the first time.... I do believe her this time… doesn’t mean everything is water under the bridge and forgotten. Just that I can believe when she says that, she truly understands… Finally she gets it! Ha - ha… I only mean that as in finally someone is LISTENING TO ME! Instead of shoving my feelings aside you know? Ah, the ups and downs to love of all kinds… Until next time my faithful devoted readers, I love you all Goodnight 1 comment|post comment

Slow [24 May 2006|01:06pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | FlyLeaf ] Obviously inspireation has been off the past couple of days. Hopefully I get my chance to update some when in VA... I'm not expecting that much though. It all depends on if the muse hits me or not... post comment

For a Bestfriend, Always loved... [20 May 2006|08:19pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | None, Watchjing the Producers ] I understand that you want your friends to respect your parents, and I do. I don't believe nor like half if not all the guidelines that set out for you and some of the ones that you have inhibited, but I never deny you nor your parents of those rights - they raised you and your brothers well on whatever rules that laid out... thats obvious. But, you as my bestfriend of 11 years you should have not have had to ask me to tone done/soften up, you should know that because of the way I was raised that is an automatic reaction for me, I have never, that I can remember, been invited to stay at someone's house and then just busted out like a rapid dog. I am certainly not implying that, that is what you were insinuating - I I just feel like you should know me well enough to trust that I care for you so I care for your parents. My mother has know yours since she was SIXTEEN... SIXTEEN!! That is many years of a friendship, our children (If I have any) will know each other well. I love you. I always will - nothing will change that. I'm sorry we misunderstood each other but being friends as long as we have we'll inevitably cross paths. And that is just how funny life is. I do forgive you... Rainbow Brite Kisses and carebear hugs, lol *smooches* Lizzi 1 comment|post comment

Autobiography Title Considerastions. [20 May 2006|01:18am] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | HIM - "Play Dead" ] "Moonlight Sonata" *FAVORITE Beethoven song, though I think I have to get permission because of copywright laws and that could be a difficult task* "Noire Roses" *Noire = french word for "black"* (This Is also a title to one of my poems.) "Noire Rose, Noire soie to the soul" *Soie = french worf for "silk"* "Broken Down Cars, Broken Down Hearts" Or "Broken Down Cars, Broken Down Life" *Don't ask me how it make sense, but it does to me - I have my own logic, I think everybody does - I know my girl Leigh does, lmao* My mind is always swimming with thoughts and creative juice and if ever I have a block it won't take too long to break down the barrior and come up up with more. So, you can trust that if I decided on a title now - it'll change A MILLION TIMES until I finally finish this book, read it back to my self (Yes, I overview all my work, a thousand times. That's why it's almost boring to write about my life and thoughts but then I get bit by an inspirational bug, and OH! There I go...) and finally decide on an appropriate title based upon the context. More to come later, should be getting my notebook back tomorrow - if not I have a Michelle to kill, so I can finally finish that Intro - Part Deux (Pt. 2) for you all to read. Good night, sweetest of dreams Love, Lizzi post comment

Views expressed in following entry are my own, I do not elicit “you” to change, dont like it? EAT ME [17 May 2006|04:51am] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Silence is Golden ] *Invisible Girl* If Gemini’s are “adaptable” then how is it I’ve never adapted to my life of disability. People laugh and say “How hard can it be?” Or my friends would say to me in high school “You‘re so lucky - you get to wheel to all your classes…” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’d give anything to be able to walk everywhere. You think its so easy? You try having your purse and notebook in your lap with all the contents trying to runaway AND open a hallway door at the same time while moronic kids stand behind you sighing with that impatient huff, but they don’t bother to offer you a helping hand to make the time go faster; instead they prefer to watch as if its amusing. You try having kids walking in the opposite direction of which they are looking while you’re trying to get to class and then when they bump in to you they glare at you like its your fault and your responsibility to watch after them… I think not. My favorite *not* was every time a football player became injured and was temporarily in a wheel chair, at lunch I’d sit under a tree with my “crew” and painfully watch these idiotic monkey’s take the wheel chair for a joy ride, pop wheelies, and do all sorts of stupid human tricks while I forced myself from blurting out, “YOU THINK IT‘S ALL FUN AND GAMES BUT YOU TRYING BEING IN THAT FUCKER SINCE KINDERGARDEN and not being able to play your precious football ever!!” But I’m better than that, or I’m supposed to be. I reek of hostility with this topic, I’m sure you picked up the scent. But these kids walk the campus as if they own it and don’t bother to look down every once in a while. “What’s it like to have people look straight through you?” Heartbreaking. “How does it feel if the only time you get attention is with a stare because you‘re in a chair?” Painful. Tears well, but I can do better. Everywhere I go I get stared at because society has made this world believe that if you’re not “perfect” you’re not good enough. You don’t think I can feel your eyes gorging in to my skin? Well, I do. I’m forced to put the word “handicap” over my head for all to see. Like back in my high school if you violated the dress code and got caught, the administration would put them in a blue shirt that said, “I have be dress coded” for all the school to see! It’s a segregation. Like the society places upon handicaps and “nomies” its disgusting. Normal; what does it mean? nor·mal [náwrm’l] adj 1. usual: conforming to the usual standard, type, or custom 2. healthy: physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy 3. occurring naturally: maintained or occurring in a natural state per·fect [púrfəkt] adj 1. without faults: without errors, flaws, or faults 2. complete and whole: complete and lacking nothing essential 6. flawless: without any flaw or blemish out·cast [ówt kàst] (plural out·casts) n somebody excluded by others: somebody who has been rejected by a particular group or by society as a whole So this is what we are supposed to be teaching our children and future generations? So, a child/person should be ignored if a limb was amputated, or born as a paraplegic? Well, to the narrow-minded I’d like you to take two minutes… contemplate to yourself what life must be like if it was you in their place, go on… try on their shoes for a second. Imagine the ENTIRE WORLD segregating, scrutinizing, persecuting, and excluding you because you don’t fit in to society’s set standards. Nauseating isn’t it? This topic divides on to many paths. Such as: Dear Mr. President: Everything that comes out of your mouth; bullshit! This world doesn’t need war. What you, as the President of the United States, are supposed to do is: Defend this country - keep it safe. You went in to Iraq to apprehend one single man and his arm and inescapably brought upon chaos, now millions of our soldiers are dead. Yes - the venture was successful we got him, but you continue to focus on Iraq instead of the country you are supposed to lead. We have poverty, homelessness, bad health/dental care, just to name a few. Do you not see yourself on the Television; lying to your country to give them false hopes to keep them blindly following you, word for word? Well, Bush you have left children behind… thousands. I’d like to see you last a year in mine and my mothers shoes, then you’d see the true meaning of “struggle”… and then may be you would understand, why poverty is desecrating and health is so vital. My teeth have never been white. I have no enamel, they grow in the way they are, disgusting. Now, they are breaking apart - decaying in my mouth. And what does my insurance do? Decline every since admission we have given them. We’ve turned different angles tried to get them to understand that I can hardly eat. But still they turn their noses and tell me, “I only want it to look pretty” I WANT IT SO I CAN EAT IN ANOTHER TWO YEARS! But, no for the past five years they have denied every single claim. And how about the people living on the streets, lack of jobs, and poverty? Not all the homeless people have only themselves to blame. Jobs are hard to come by and money is the same. What do you do with all this money? Make more weaponry? Oh yes, that’s what we need to be able to eat every night, and bathe, clothe our selves, and keep a roof over our heads. This is disgusting and disappointing what you have turned this country in to. If this is the land of the free; why is it so wrong for same sex marriages? Who the hell do you think you are to tell me whether I get to have an abortion or not, it’s my body? (We all die eventually.) Why is it so wrong for women to have rights? You can tell Condoleezza Rice to kiss my ass, to hell with her if she thinks she can put me in the kitchen. I was born with a brain and creativity and I refuse to let it burn out. I am not Anti-America but I am against what you have turned America in to. I am simply a woman of freedom and I resent what you have done. It also turns to this: You’re gothic; you’re automatically labeled a Satanist… antichrist. Stereotype. Not all true, folks. Not all Goths are Satan worshipers. And Pagans, Judaism, Buddhist, Catholics, Hinduism, Mormon and many others ARE NOT GOING TO HELL JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT CHRISTIAN!! Christians have the right to follow they beliefs of God and spread a message of love and anti-judgment, not tell them “You‘re going to burn in hell if you don‘t change your ways!” If this is true, let it be God’s doing… NOT YOURS! You are followers of Jesus Christ, yes. BUT JESUS WAS A JEW! Correct me if I’m wrong, I believe the original language of the bible was Hebrew. You can not brand people what they wear, their religion, or lifestyle. It’s Society… and you’re the subject on a leash… Don’t like my religious views as I said in the intro “… I am holding no inhibitions in this book and could really careless who it hurts because it‘s not about them or their life - it‘s about mine… If you are even slightly narrow-minded, I advise you to put this book down and walk away. The views expressed in proceeding entries are my own and I do not elicit “you” to change your ways and religiously hang on to every word I say… I am simply expressing myself the best way I know how. With the written word.” I do not apologize for having an opinion, I do not apologize for speaking my mind, this is my autobiography and I shall do as I like. If you detest I advise you to put this book down and walk away. Seriously folks, no smoke and mirrors, no tricks nor shenanigans - it’s all me all my head. But then again… I am invisible girl, aren’t I? 3 comments|post comment

Starry Night - Introduction Pt. 2 [14 May 2006|09:03pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | None, But I'm thinking of Fall Out Boy "Saturday" ] So, I’ve written this a million times in the styling of a story book. But then realized the best way to express my incoherent thoughts was to put all my journals together and then fill in the blanks. My prologue is a comment I made to my best friend, who will appear in this “story” numerous times, I found that to be most appropriate because my relationship with her is like nothing any one could ever experience. We’ve made each other laugh - cry - torn each other apart then brought each other back to life, and just when we felt like we were standing in a great divide, we come back together again. I literally have no one in my life who does that for me, family relationships are on a whole other plane. But, Leigh’s and mine can’t be touched. MC Hammer, we’ve got you. I intend to make you laugh, may be at a moments notice you’ll wipe a tear from your eye but my biggest intention is to make you FEEL. To show you that handicap is not a negative thing. In spite of the fact that I’m still trying to convince my self that it’s a blessing… *More on this once I get my fucking journal back, that I soo stupidly left in a friends car... Grrrr Cos I was in the middle of a thought in that journal when my pen died, and then I leave it her car, this was all Friday, and I won't see it again until, Saturday... Grrr On me. Lizzi* 1 comment|post comment

Starry Night - Introduction [12 May 2006|03:32am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Lindsay Lohan - "If That's Alright" ] *So this is an introduction to what will hopeful be my autobiography. Enjoy! Love, Lizzi* Starry nights Restless dreams I’ll die for you Only if you’d ask it of me… I’ve written my story three thousand times, so now it’s boring and every line runs in to the other. My inspiration hasn’t finished uploading, a virus caught it first. Now, I can’t stop sneezing. Is there a subliminal message waiting to unfold? I don’t know, I’ve never been good with subtleties. I walk amongst the chauvinistic crowd, then wonder why I go home feeling down. Promiscuous intentions follow me. I’m trapped upon society leash. I smell the air, it reeks. What have we done to our selves? You can have my friends, you can have my life, you could never have me so you’d best think twice. Starry nights Restless dreams I’d fight to the death… Verbally. If you understand these words, then you can understand me. I don’t write in a child’s mentality so if you assumed I’d make sense, you were mistaken. I have fought forever with my self wondering when it would end… would I ever come to an adequate conclusion? Would I ever be truly satisfied with my self, my life, and the beings in it? Suddenly I realized… “No, I wouldn‘t…” Every time I’ve gone to write this I have somehow steered away from the message I wanted to convey. But then realized there were so many things I wanted to say because I am still growing, still learning, and still experiencing life. So how, at only 20 years old, can I write an autobiography and have it be not only substantial but significant? By substantial I mean, enough experiences to address in this object of which we would call a “book” and by significant I mean, important enough for you to pick up - read the back cover and say something to the affect of “Hmm, this seems interesting and it‘s about someone‘s actual life - I like that.” Because if we’re going to be truthful, which were are - I am holding no inhibitions in this book and could really careless who it hurts because it‘s not about them or their life - it‘s about mine, I am no Mother Theresa, No Diana, no Britney, I am simply a regular “normal person” if that phrase hasn’t lost all mean… whatever it’s meaning may be. And with that following statement being said, I welcome you to my head. If you are even slightly narrow-minded, I advise you to put this book down and walk away. The views expressed in proceeding entries are my own and I do not elicit “you” to change your ways and religiously hang on to every word I say… I am simply expressing myself the best way I know how. With the written word. You meet new people and ask about them - most that I have met are modest or hesitant to tell you about themselves because they have clearly never considered themselves very interesting or they want you to believe so. I have met many fake people, who say they are nice, caring individuals, but given time they show their true demeanor and inevitably I laugh in their faces because they are solely twofaced sons-of-bitches and I waste no time walking away. Many people have met me and the reaction is split, you get two portions of the pie: One piece will tell you that I am a beautiful no nonsense soul, with intelligence, and the best of intentions. Those are the people I can actually trust with my life. That portion is small. The other piece will tell you how much of a cold hearted bitch I am and that I waste no time making peoples lives a living hell. These are the people that take two seconds to acknowledge me - hear some personal opinion come out of my mouth and brand me at the drop of a hat. This is the larger portion. The reason is because we live in a world of two-faced whores, that don’t care to understand the beauty of other peoples lives or even their emotions. I don’t expect this book to sell millions and be on New York’s best sellers list, as flattering as that would be, I actually have very low expectations for my self. This can be both a blessing and a curse. It is true to say we fear what we do not understand, but despicable to not even attempt to understand. So You want to know me, huh? Well, obviously because if you have taken the time to even bother with this book then yes, yes you do. Well here’s something for you: Hate to Hate, Love to love, haunted by the dozens of people who have said goodbye to me in my 20 yrs of life. Broken by all the fall outs I've experienced and tortured by the dream love I may never have. See the loser in the corner of this darkness, that's me... but in my world a rainbow hovers over my black hair, I'm stunning if you dare to know me... "Here for the party, YO! Yeah... just to stand in the corner and be the usual loner that I am... Anybody else wanna be a loser with me?" So, forgive me that I don’t have a shallow sense of self. But I don’t believe in basking in ones perfections when there is NO, and I emphasize the word no, such thing as “perfect” its this illusion society placed on a very impressionable generation. … I’m stuck, I hate when I get stuck… Writers block attack to the masses!!… We live in a world where beauty has become counterfeit, and few know the true meaning of the word “beauty” and embrace it! I have very close loved ones who have hurt me because of the “standards” and in their presence made me feel utterly self-conscious. This only occurs around them. Your family should embrace you and everything you are not slowly pick you apart on the inside! And sadly that’s what my father and step mom do from time to time. They grew up in a different generation then I have and I understand them holding on to it but you cannot ask your own child to compromise who she is. It’s inconceivable to think someone I love more than anything and try so very hard to reach “approval level” I never will because I am me and that’ll never change unless I intend it to. So this is to be my story of strength, triumphs, missteps which inexorably lead to stumbles, and then of course my epiphany that life is ever change and as unfair as it is at times, it is a beautiful curse when all is said and done. And when you reach the end you can look upon it with a deep warmth in your heart because this is where God took you and there is where you shall end up. “Without suffering there can be no compassion” 2 comments|post comment

Simply Me [11 May 2006|10:57pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | the soundtrack to my life is put on pause at this moment ] Hate to Hate, Love to love, haunted by the dozens of people who have said goodbye to me in my 20 yrs of life. Broken by all the fall outs I've experienced and tortured by the dream love I may never have. See the loser in the corner of this darkness, that's me... but in my world a rainbow hovers over my black hair, I'm stunning if you dare to know me... post comment

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